Am I really a mean, empty hearted, oblivious bitch? 

A question I always ask myself at the end of every day. I've been given the greatest gift in my life by my dear God, which was my bf, but I honestly feel as though I don't deserve him. I don't deserve his kindness. I don't deserve his sacrifices. I don't deserve his sincerity. Nor his love. After reading something, which really dampened my emotions, not only do I feel as though I'm not worthy of him, other people in my social circle felt that way too. It really makes me ponder whether am I really entitled to his love. I am honestly scared to my wits how my emotions work. It petrifies me, truthfully, at how I feel numb to every occurrence that could have supposedly make an awful impact on me. I wonder where did my empathy vanish to. Probably God may have struck it off my set of feelings I should permanently have.  After thinking for quite some time, I realized that by being quiet and detached from others is a thousand times better than to be friendly and warm. It is due to the simple fact that others can't expect too much from you when you're being distant. And I miss that loneliness too.

I've requested for some time to myself. To really think whether I honestly deserve him. Because I know for a fact, I am the most flawed person I've known. As cliché as it sounds, I may look perfectly normal, stable and sane person on the outside, but God knows how fucking ugly I am in my mind and in my soul. If someone were to be in my head, I would decently think they do not have the sanity to handle it. Oh Lord, I think I'm used to it all.