I wish for contentment, blissful events, acceptance and all the other things that one could never possibly achieve. Truthfully, we all seek for an impractical content during our temporary time here on Earth, something that does not take any form of structure nor validity. Despite being unfamiliarize with it, we all try to attempt to fulfil this particular content so that we can actually feel, enlightened. No?

Guilty as charged, I am one of the many who do one's damnedest to try to attain that 'enlightenment' and feel proud of myself. I do my utmost best in gaining contentment/happiness for myself. My theory? The more radiant the person is, the happier I am. This has actually been my experimental hypothesis for quite some time now. However, lately, I feel more miserable than I had ever been in my entire life. As cliché as it sounds - the burden that I had to carry, no one knows nor feel how I have to bear with it all. I've realised that I have come to aid or help people, only with what I am capable of, for far too long now. Despite helping them and shit, I still got labelled, got blamed. After an incident today, it finally struck me. No matter who I am, no matter what my value is to others, I'll never be of that high of an importance to anyone.

History do repeat itself, after all. The exact same situation during 2010 appeared again. This time taking its appearances in other shells/forms. I was dumbfounded and bemused. But most of all, mortified. Today, for the first time after years of keeping it together, I finally let it all out. Cried and sobbed like some mad fuck. Walked all the way home, even if it was far. Energy was already drained from work and I was ready to drop from fatigue but I guess the growing ache developing was too overwhelming that I didn't prolly realize what was transpiring. I was to be blamed, again, for something I never did. No one wants to know my side of the story. No one will ever stand up for me, this I knew today.

You know how frustrating and infuriating it is to be someone's 'Top News of This Season'? To be someone's gossip tool? To be nothing more than just an interesting topic? I do.

Maybe my mistake was to trust people in general. Yes. Mostly that particular 'some' who only pretended to care just to know the latest news or to be able to have at least something to tell tales to others. Yet, I chose to ignore all these because I chose to believe that everyone aren't the same (or so I thought). And then again, it all falls back to square one. I did all these to attain happiness. To be joyful. To be light hearted and smiling as if I had glued the ends of my lips from ear to ear. An absurd vision, I know. And still despite being used like trash, I still choose to forgive and not acknowledge the pain I'm enduring. All these just to gain this 'impractical content'.

I'm a stubborn head but I'll be realistic. Maybe after you realized your mistake, maybe then I shall forgive you. But till then, I won't be the same since a fraction of me had already acknowleged how much I've endured and how distressed I am over what happened today.

I'm beyond exhausted - emotionally and physically. I need rest.